An Open Letter from Donnie Drumpf to the American People
Dear Citizens of America,
In recent days, the media have played into my doubts about Barack Obama’s citizenship, his academic abilities, and more. But now I am thinking, “Why all this pussy-footing around? Why not just come out and say what we are all thinking?”
Barack Obama is a negro! Am I the only one who has noticed this? I referenced an anthropology textbook (just to be sure) and it is undeniable: he has big lips, a wide nose, and dark skin. He looks like a heterosexual version of Michael Jackson before he became white. Weren’t these people slaves just a while ago? How did we allow this to happen?
Obama has relatives in Africa, spent part of his life in Malaysia, and yet still speaks English more eloquently than I do. Do you know how annoying that is? Black people aren’t supposed to be good at English. They are supposed to say, “yassah, nossah,” and “You’s disrespectin’ me, Holmes.” Of course, there are other members of the blacks who sound like white people. I forgave Denzel Washington and Laurence Fishburne because they make good movies. But now a President? This is too much.
And that name: Barack Obama. What kind of name is that? “George Washington” is a good American name. “Abraham Lincoln” sounds a bit Jewish, but is still pretty good. “Barack Obama” sounds like the kind of person we look for in caves in Afghanistan.
We’ve tried labeling Obama as the anti-Christ, linking him to communists and racists, challenging his citizenship, and of course the general and sweeping comment that he doesn’t seem American. The whole time, he keeps smiling and saying, “We need to focus on the issues.” He talks about the economy, energy planning and health care - completely ignoring our requests for college transcripts. What is it going to take to get rid of this guy!?
Barack Obama is better educated than I am, obviously smarter, holds the highest position in the world, and even has a better beach body. What’s not to hate?
By the way, did I mention that I have the highest rated show on the Gonzo network? It’s a great show, with a great fan base. We have a great name. People would be impressed if they knew how much money I have. I’m important. Right?
Sincerely,
Donnie J. Drumpf®
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"Don't hate me because I'm beautiful."
Kelly LeBrock, 1980s shampoo commercial
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