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Saturday, September 11, 2010

American Economic Dictionary 2010

Knowing this list of terms will not help you make money in the stock market. It will, however, give you a few laughs at a cocktail party (or a few nods of agreement, depending on your crowd).

Bankster – n. A banker, since bankers and gangsters have the same profession (stealing).

Bernanke Clown Confetti – n. Common stock certificates.

Big Casino (The) – n. The New York Stock Exchange.

Corporapists – n. Evil organizations (corporations) that no one can trust, despite the fact that most people who believe this belong to one.

Green Shoots – n. Any hint of economic recovery, no matter how small. Popularized by CNBC’s Larry Kudlow.

Helicopter Ben – n. Ben Bernanke, Chairman of the Federal Reserve Board. The nickname comes from a speech he gave in 2002, in which he referenced economist Milton Friedman's metaphor of a helicopter dropping money on the community as a way to rescue the economy.

Hummer – n. A heavy, unaffordable, and somewhat useless off-road vehicle. Also denotes buxom women who date only wealthy men (ie. “Watch out, she’s a hummer.”)

McGlobalization – n. The evil result of cultural export (ex. Hamburgers in France, or rap music at nightclubs in Mongolia).

Nuclear Banana Republic – n. The USA

Perceived Recession – n. An economic situation that makes life uncomfortable for an extended period of time. The technical definition of recession (two consecutive quarters of negative GDP) no longer applies, since by this definition the US is already out of recession.

Sheeple – n. Individuals who do not recognize that the world’s economy is under the control of big business/Jewish Zionists/communists/hedge funds/The Federal Reserve/ Literati/Right-Wing Christian Fundamentalists/The Freemasons, or any combination of the above.

Staycation – n. A vacation spent at home, since one can’t afford to go anywhere.

Toxic Waste – n. Income products composed of sub-prime loans. Named by the traders who sold them to unsuspecting clients.

Turbo-Tax Timmy – n. Timothy Geithner, United States Secretary of the Treasury. Named for an incident during his stint at the International Monetary Fund, where he blamed his late income tax filing on the popular tax preparation software “Turbo Tax."

Zero Interest - n. The basic rate of interest during the credit crisis. Also used to denote the lackadaisical attitude caused by the credit crisis (ie. "I'm not going to the party. Zero interest.")

“Men can acquire knowledge, but not wisdom. Some of the greatest fools ever known were learned men.”

Spanish proverb